Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Our sweet baby...

In honor of Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week we decided that the time has come to update our blog. We wanted to give everyone information on our little baby that will be here before we know it. For those who don’t know, at our 20 week ultrasound we found out that our baby girl has a Congenital Heart Defect. After a lot of testing she has been diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, an unbalanced Atrioventricular Septal Defect and a leaky mitral valve. Given the complexity of her diagnosis and little heart she has not been given a good prognosis.

We have decided to name her Logan. This name is just perfect for her. First, a “logan” is something that is not solid; or has a space or gap or cavity. Given that her little heart is not complete and has a hole in it I felt like this was a beautiful way to pay tribute to her and her sweet little heart. Next, Bryan and I met in the town “Logan” and have many wonderful memories there. We lived in our first home there, we found out we were pregnant there; the list goes on and on. We just love the name Logan for her.

Over the past few months we have been coming to terms with the idea that Logan's time with us will be short. We are cherishing each "belly" moment with her now and can't wait to meet her and are hopeful that we will get a little bit of time with her before she returns to Heaven. I feel bad that at the first half of my pregnancy I felt burdened, I hated the sleeplessness, the sickness, the nosebleeds, etc. Now, I love being pregnant. I love how active Logan is. She is moving all the time. This is probably partially due to the Dr. Pepper and yummy snacks she gets every day. I could just watch my belly for hours. I wake up in the middle of the night and shine a light on my belly and just watch her move around. There is no doubt that Bryan and I want her very much and are cherishing her as our baby already. Being pregnant with her is amazing and I feel heartache for those I know that have not been able to experience it. I can’t imagine the despair that they have had. So, although being a “mother” is something that I may have to wait for I am so happy that God has given me the gift of carrying this little baby.

We are thankful for all of the support that our families and friends have given us. This is the most humbling experience in the world and without all the prayers and support it would be unbearable. Bryan and I have been pretty private about our circumstances, I think we just don’t know what to say to people and know that people probably don’t know what to say to us. I have moments where I am so sad that I don’t know if I can get through this. I read something the other day that said “The Lord will shape the back to bear the burden placed upon it.” I keep thinking about this over and over and have to believe that this is true. My whole life I have had this concept of “faith” but never until now have fully understood what faith is. I imagine that my concept of faith will be a very present part of my life and will be ever changing. Today, I am trying to have faith that I can get through this.